People say, “at least you have your health.” I’ve heard it about a million times, and I never thought twice about it until now, when I’m reduced to watching life pass by from an (un)comfortable position on my back because I can’t walk anymore without the aid of my 69 year old mother’s walker. I’m in my twenties, by the way, forced to use a device I’ve always associated with nursing homes. I feel proud of myself if I can make it from my living room to my bathroom with this contraption. Then I pass out on the nearest flat surface and pray for unconsciousness until the pain (somewhat) passes.
That’s my life right now. That, and a haze caused by my pain medication and the in and out of consciousness that my pain level forces me through.
I thought I would be able to read. I thought I’d be able to dredge up some form of caring emotion about something if I just got used to this new situation but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about how overloaded I am. Cancer, surprise pregnancy, and now the words “degenerative bone disease” floating through my head punctuated with a “will I ever be able to walk like a normal person again?” It is just too much.
This is testing every ounce of personal strength I ever thought a human could possess and it leaves no time for books, or conversations on Twitter – or blogging. I hurt too bad – mentally, physically and emotionally.
I’ll be back to reviewing, hopefully soon. Hopefully I’ll find a way out of this rut I’m in and see some form of light at the end of this horrible tunnel I’ve been trapped in. Hopefully I’ll be able to read, find interest in something, smile and laugh. I just don’t feel it now and because of that I need to take a reviewing break until I get myself back because right now I’m totally lost and falling.
I have a great support system. Without them I’d be completely lost at sea. They will be what gets me through, but until then I just need to focus on me because I am a mess right now.
Yes, I’ll be back. I just don’t know when. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I’ll write brief updates occasionally so those that care can know how I’m doing and what’s going on.