On Monday I went for a routine cancer scan. I didn’t expect them to find anything but, as it turns out, the doctor saw one nodule that is assuredly cancerous and two more that are “showing signs of being cancerous.” I guess he saw all this on my last scan in May but decided not to tell me until Monday, when he was just about as positive as you can possibly get without removing cells and testing them.
So, I guess I have cancer…. again.
I’m not here to ask for pity or attention. The reason I’m here is to give the genre community a gigantic thank you. I’ve been an emotional wreck since Monday. Example: Yesterday someone at work completely innocently asked how I was doing, and I burst into snot riddled tears. It was lovely. I guess that will teach people not to ask how I’m doing…
I have ups and downs. I vassilate between feeling wonderful about life and very positive and motivated, to having moments of extreme terror and “woe is me” stuff. This too shall pass. Sometimes you just have to take time to feel what you need to feel. I’m trying to be okay with that. My one goal is to not let cancer have my attitude. I am trying very hard to be positive and upbeat. It can effect my body, I don’t want it to have my mind/attitude.
The genre community, those of you that have followed me on Facebook and Twitter, where I’ve been fairly open about this, have been amazing. People don’t seem to think that what they say online carries any weight, but it does. The outpouring of kindness, helpful and motivational thoughts have been incredible and its floored me. It’s to the point now where, whenever I’m feeling down, I log onto Facebook and read what all the bloggers, authors and friends have said when I announced I had cancer again, because it’s so incredibly helpful to see how many people care.
You guys are amazing, and I will never, ever stop being grateful that I fell into genre blogging, if for the motivation and support I’ve received from all this cancer hullabaloo, than for no other reason.
Don’t ever stop being as geeky and amazing as all of you are, and don’t ever underestimate how much you have profoundly helped and touched this small-time blogger. You matter, and so do your words. I promise.